Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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