The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
