I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
