I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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