Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
