He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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