Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
