I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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