im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i drank out of a bidet.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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