it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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