He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There's even glitter on my cock...
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