so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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