Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.