just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.