I wish my penis had an off switch
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
