My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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