What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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