I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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