Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
