I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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