It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
