I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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