That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
