I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
