the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
