The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
