I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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