Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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