Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
