happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
