Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
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I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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