Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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