He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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