Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
