No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
