Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
