is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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