Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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