i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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