oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
