I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
