Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
