thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
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On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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