Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
