Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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