i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
