you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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