I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
