Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
