Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
