You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
