i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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