she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
