we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
