so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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