i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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