Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
