we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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