I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is Oprah even human
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
