mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize