i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
