Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
