Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
