Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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