i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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