I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
