i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
