I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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